THE UGLY DUCKLING-- an Autobiography of Karthikeyan
I had actually created this lil masterpiece 3 months back, but somehow forgot to post it.Got hold of it recently when i was clicking away randomly. It would be a shame if i deprive u ppl of an oppurtunity to read such stuff. So, here we go! after avery long time..... my latest post.....
21 years and five months on this damned planet, 18 years of so called education and a graduation later, i think I have qualified for an autobiography. I did think of asking someone to write a biography on me (im not the kind of a person who likes to blow his own trumpet).....hmmm lemme see....i like Kushwant Singh a lot but he might be a little too busy, Arundati Roy doesnt suit me.... Awwwww, Shucks! Looks like i 've got to do the dirty work. And since i could not get hold of any guinea pigs i might as well let you ppl read this!
I dont know much about auotbiographies cos i ve never read one and I can damn well assure you that I have no idea how to go about writing one. But i know when something is written about a person, it is going to be very SUBJECTIVE. So i thought i might as well get SUBJECTIVE about this entire thing about my autobiography. So, here we go...
Pssst! hey, i ve got no intention of hurting anyone except myself !
History
NO! you are wrong! i was not born at 6 O clock on the 6th of the 6th month..... I might appear devilish and might do things that would convince people that i have two green horns and a pointed tail hidden away, but i was born on a normal day( or was it night?? mem - ask mom)-10th of Feb, 1985 in a normal nursing home in chennai.
I wasnt the "Calvin" type of a kid cos i never ever did anything that could be considered as a prank. Neither was i a "Dexter" type of a kid cos I was never interested in learning anything. Maybe i was the "Garfield" type of a kid, you know the ones who like to eat and sleep in the couch and watch tv day in and day out. Yeah! that was me when i was a toddler.
You dont remain a toddler forever. Nobody does, and Im no exception. I grew up. I always wanted to grow up and rub shoulders with the bigger lot. Boy! was i disappointed! I realised that it could be a real pain in your ass when you grow up.People force you to go to school, and when you go there, you have got to deal with these extremely dangerous beings.... these huge, grim, stupid looking, bipeds wearing lots of make up and a very silly looking hairdo who call themselves "The Teachers". They shout at you, hit you with a ruler, complaint to your parents and to top it all..... they give HOMEWORK! Can you believe it? working at home! and all these years i thought home was supposed to be a place where you rest after you have finished with your work!
Just when i was getting the hang of the "School Concept" and beginning to even like it, i was kicked out saying they had no more to teach me and that i had to go to "College" if i wanted to learn more! I ve slugged it out for four years in a college and i still wonder if i have learnt anything at all !
The history of any person would be incomplete without mentioning his love life. Yeah, i had my share of crushes. One major crush and lots of tiny ones but all of them met the same fate.
Geography
When i was a kid i was shunted back and forth between chennai and my dad's workplace. After I left kindergarten, we were able to stay in the same place for something like seven years. And then my Dad had this huge brainwave to get his own house. I dont know whose idea it was to buid a house in the suburbs of chennai, but poor me landed somewhere outside the city where the only thing that you cud get easily was a snake bite. Worst roads i ve ever set my eyes on, no proper water supply,no drainage system in use, power levels that keep fluctuating between 0 and max, stray dogs that are always on the prowl ready to attack you, nearest decent hotel atleast 5-8 kilometers away, residents who wouldnt mind abusing your entire family tree just because you asked them not to use the pavment for their toilets..... other than these, it is a wonderfull locality to live in! (Ouch! i must be leading a real sad life to have actually written that!)
Maths
My life has never followed a set pattern. No fixed formulas. I was not able to predict anything that hapened in my life. On the whole, my life is something that wouldnt fit into any kind of framework. So rules dont apply to me. Nothing in my life was calculated. So no math in my autobiography!
Economics
I didnt include economics earlier in this post, but 3 months later when i decided to finally post this crap, i realised that my economic condition has imroved considerably. I ve started earning and am spending my own money. That meant that the inflation rate was bound to go down and the sensex was all set to zoom!
Chemistry
Chemistry has always been a mystery to me and my autobiography is gonna be no exception.
The mystery is yet to be solved!
The code is yet to be cracked.
All these years, i ve tried to figure out what im made of. Well, i was able to make out that most of my head is made of fertile soil that is extremely rich in ammonia. The rest of me?????? The great lord is gonna have a lot of answering to do when i meet him sooner or later.
Physics
I dont think there is a single human on this planet who hasnt gone through this. You are in a hurry going somewhere and you walk past the mirror, you retrace your steps, stand in front of the mirror, stare at your reflection for say five or ten minutes, and then you wonder " Am I really that bad looking?" Most of you would have experienced it when you crossed your teens, when you become so conscious about how you look, but then i have never had anything normal happening to me, so its perfectly normal according to my standards that im going through the phase now at the age of 21 when there are a thousand and one other important things crying out for my attention! Maybe this is wat people call a "Mid Life Crisis", but then i havent exactly reached the middle of my life....Technically speaking, I havent even started it!
If you are wondering just how much time i have spent pondereing over this terrible predicament that im facing...... I have been totally jobless for the past two weeks and it gave me enough time to waste on this extreeeeemely important issue. I stood in front of the mirror and started analysing myself inch by inch. At the end of it, when i went through the list, a shudder went through my spine..... "Am I really that bad looking?" In front of me was a paper having a list of all possible adjectives that a third person might use when asked to describe me.
1. Thin ( actually not thin, but bony)- trust me, my weight has been the butt of so many jokes
2. Short- i think i stopped growing after i reached college....another one of god's gift to me..... maybe the almighty jus forgot to add those few drops of somatropin in my bloodstream when i was born
3. Dark- I dont mind being dark..... but when it combines with all these other factors....it really doesnt make oneself very smart....does it?
4. Bespectacled- some say glasses make people look smarter...yeah it does.... i cant bear to see myself without glasses....wait a minute! did i say "see without glasses"? Oh! i must ve been really sleepy to have typed that....actually im virtually blind without my glasses
5. Prominent Teeth- i tried it all.... braces, massaging my gums, change the way i close my mouth when i sleep...ahan! my teeth just had to grow big and prominent.....maybe they are a bit of show off!
6. A budding paunch- this one happened as a result of my efforts to shrug off the THIN image....lots of food and no work....became a couch potato and finally i was gifted with a little paunch
7. Shaggy hair- Head&Shoulders, Pantene, All Clear, etc.,etc. They would all be amazed if they took a look at my hair. A multitude of shampoos and lotions and hair gel and conditioners later i gave up the fight and surrendered meekly. But one thing i couldnt understand....How could the almighty screw up both inside and outside of my head!
But having said all this, i still have hope....Everybody gets their fifteen minutes of fame...... The Ugly Duckling got his share....Im bidding my time!
-Karthikeyan
21 years and five months on this damned planet, 18 years of so called education and a graduation later, i think I have qualified for an autobiography. I did think of asking someone to write a biography on me (im not the kind of a person who likes to blow his own trumpet).....hmmm lemme see....i like Kushwant Singh a lot but he might be a little too busy, Arundati Roy doesnt suit me.... Awwwww, Shucks! Looks like i 've got to do the dirty work. And since i could not get hold of any guinea pigs i might as well let you ppl read this!
I dont know much about auotbiographies cos i ve never read one and I can damn well assure you that I have no idea how to go about writing one. But i know when something is written about a person, it is going to be very SUBJECTIVE. So i thought i might as well get SUBJECTIVE about this entire thing about my autobiography. So, here we go...
Pssst! hey, i ve got no intention of hurting anyone except myself !
History
NO! you are wrong! i was not born at 6 O clock on the 6th of the 6th month..... I might appear devilish and might do things that would convince people that i have two green horns and a pointed tail hidden away, but i was born on a normal day( or was it night?? mem - ask mom)-10th of Feb, 1985 in a normal nursing home in chennai.
I wasnt the "Calvin" type of a kid cos i never ever did anything that could be considered as a prank. Neither was i a "Dexter" type of a kid cos I was never interested in learning anything. Maybe i was the "Garfield" type of a kid, you know the ones who like to eat and sleep in the couch and watch tv day in and day out. Yeah! that was me when i was a toddler.
You dont remain a toddler forever. Nobody does, and Im no exception. I grew up. I always wanted to grow up and rub shoulders with the bigger lot. Boy! was i disappointed! I realised that it could be a real pain in your ass when you grow up.People force you to go to school, and when you go there, you have got to deal with these extremely dangerous beings.... these huge, grim, stupid looking, bipeds wearing lots of make up and a very silly looking hairdo who call themselves "The Teachers". They shout at you, hit you with a ruler, complaint to your parents and to top it all..... they give HOMEWORK! Can you believe it? working at home! and all these years i thought home was supposed to be a place where you rest after you have finished with your work!
Just when i was getting the hang of the "School Concept" and beginning to even like it, i was kicked out saying they had no more to teach me and that i had to go to "College" if i wanted to learn more! I ve slugged it out for four years in a college and i still wonder if i have learnt anything at all !
The history of any person would be incomplete without mentioning his love life. Yeah, i had my share of crushes. One major crush and lots of tiny ones but all of them met the same fate.
Geography
When i was a kid i was shunted back and forth between chennai and my dad's workplace. After I left kindergarten, we were able to stay in the same place for something like seven years. And then my Dad had this huge brainwave to get his own house. I dont know whose idea it was to buid a house in the suburbs of chennai, but poor me landed somewhere outside the city where the only thing that you cud get easily was a snake bite. Worst roads i ve ever set my eyes on, no proper water supply,no drainage system in use, power levels that keep fluctuating between 0 and max, stray dogs that are always on the prowl ready to attack you, nearest decent hotel atleast 5-8 kilometers away, residents who wouldnt mind abusing your entire family tree just because you asked them not to use the pavment for their toilets..... other than these, it is a wonderfull locality to live in! (Ouch! i must be leading a real sad life to have actually written that!)
Maths
My life has never followed a set pattern. No fixed formulas. I was not able to predict anything that hapened in my life. On the whole, my life is something that wouldnt fit into any kind of framework. So rules dont apply to me. Nothing in my life was calculated. So no math in my autobiography!
Economics
I didnt include economics earlier in this post, but 3 months later when i decided to finally post this crap, i realised that my economic condition has imroved considerably. I ve started earning and am spending my own money. That meant that the inflation rate was bound to go down and the sensex was all set to zoom!
Chemistry
Chemistry has always been a mystery to me and my autobiography is gonna be no exception.
The mystery is yet to be solved!
The code is yet to be cracked.
All these years, i ve tried to figure out what im made of. Well, i was able to make out that most of my head is made of fertile soil that is extremely rich in ammonia. The rest of me?????? The great lord is gonna have a lot of answering to do when i meet him sooner or later.
Physics
I dont think there is a single human on this planet who hasnt gone through this. You are in a hurry going somewhere and you walk past the mirror, you retrace your steps, stand in front of the mirror, stare at your reflection for say five or ten minutes, and then you wonder " Am I really that bad looking?" Most of you would have experienced it when you crossed your teens, when you become so conscious about how you look, but then i have never had anything normal happening to me, so its perfectly normal according to my standards that im going through the phase now at the age of 21 when there are a thousand and one other important things crying out for my attention! Maybe this is wat people call a "Mid Life Crisis", but then i havent exactly reached the middle of my life....Technically speaking, I havent even started it!
If you are wondering just how much time i have spent pondereing over this terrible predicament that im facing...... I have been totally jobless for the past two weeks and it gave me enough time to waste on this extreeeeemely important issue. I stood in front of the mirror and started analysing myself inch by inch. At the end of it, when i went through the list, a shudder went through my spine..... "Am I really that bad looking?" In front of me was a paper having a list of all possible adjectives that a third person might use when asked to describe me.
1. Thin ( actually not thin, but bony)- trust me, my weight has been the butt of so many jokes
2. Short- i think i stopped growing after i reached college....another one of god's gift to me..... maybe the almighty jus forgot to add those few drops of somatropin in my bloodstream when i was born
3. Dark- I dont mind being dark..... but when it combines with all these other factors....it really doesnt make oneself very smart....does it?
4. Bespectacled- some say glasses make people look smarter...yeah it does.... i cant bear to see myself without glasses....wait a minute! did i say "see without glasses"? Oh! i must ve been really sleepy to have typed that....actually im virtually blind without my glasses
5. Prominent Teeth- i tried it all.... braces, massaging my gums, change the way i close my mouth when i sleep...ahan! my teeth just had to grow big and prominent.....maybe they are a bit of show off!
6. A budding paunch- this one happened as a result of my efforts to shrug off the THIN image....lots of food and no work....became a couch potato and finally i was gifted with a little paunch
7. Shaggy hair- Head&Shoulders, Pantene, All Clear, etc.,etc. They would all be amazed if they took a look at my hair. A multitude of shampoos and lotions and hair gel and conditioners later i gave up the fight and surrendered meekly. But one thing i couldnt understand....How could the almighty screw up both inside and outside of my head!
But having said all this, i still have hope....Everybody gets their fifteen minutes of fame...... The Ugly Duckling got his share....Im bidding my time!
-Karthikeyan
posted by Rahul & Karthikeyan at 2:13 AM
3 Comments:
Makes for good reading as always!:-)
The stuff that you write about and the way you put it across has never failed to amuse me..
And I so identify with what you have written in this post..
P.S why don't you think of writing as an alternative career option??
5:34 PM
nice one man,....the flow of language was very good... keep it up
9:31 AM
great stuff.. highly amusing... creativity is ur middle name...!
12:29 PM
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